Parenting & emotional intelligence

Do we owe unconditional loyalty? How do we know if we are doing it right?

I am aware that this is a somewhat controversial and delicate subject, but I would like to talk about the direct relationship that exists between the way of upbringing that our parents instilled in us and the adult that we later develop, as well as the subsequent method of education that we choose for our children. We have been taught throughout history to adore our parents, our families, unconditionally and regardless of how they raised us, because they did the best they could, the best they knew how, and of course, whatever they did, they always did it for our good.

Does this apply to all cases, and should we idolize even those parents who are capable of mistreating their children? What is the truth in this?

One of the points that was most difficult for me to understand and integrate into my personal growth process was to understand the part of responsibility that my parents had in the development of my toxic patterns of behavior and childhood traumas, and at the same time not to blame them or feel anger or resentment. It was a process that went through several stages.

And, there is something true in all this: “They have done the best they knew how”.

Emotional intelligence is not something they commonly focused on developing in our parents’ time. Generations have been evolving, as well as the main goal of life: Procreate — professional development — emotional intelligence. It was not allowed to delve into emotions, it was something of weaklings, invalidation of feelings was something natural, they did not know how to handle frustration. This led to the creation of behavioral patterns such as “fear of abandonment”, related to different types of attachment: avoidant, anxious, disorganized… and low self-esteem, or low tolerance to frustration. Not to mention cases where a child is raised by narcissistic parents. Infinite details of which, of course, you are not aware until you do not work on it.

Let’s suppose now that we have a child. A child who is learning the basic rules of life, who does not yet know how to communicate his discomfort, when he is hungry, when he feels pain. He does not yet know how to distinguish his emotions. He does not know how to handle his frustration when he does not get what he wants, because his brain does not yet understand certain social rules, because he does not yet have all the brain connections developed, such as empathy, tolerance or even compassion. Because he is still learning what are the established limits in many areas of life, he is still learning to measure his strength. Let’s say this child’s mother is a woman who has not worked on her behavior patterns, who has not healed that inner child, who has not yet learned to handle her frustration. Will she be able to emotionally support this child when he throws a tantrum because he has dropped his favorite toy?

Probably this mom connects with that inner child who was emotionally invalidated, who was not allowed to regulate her frustration, but was punished and made to think that feeling bad about those things was wrong and a reason for punishment. This child that, instead of teaching her how to regulate her anger, they transferred more frustration to her, frustration that her own parents did not know how to manage either.

I give a real example, which seemed to me to be very common and which can be quite difficult to realize without previous personal work. I was standing in line at a museum, where a father and daughter were standing right in front of me. We were waiting to experience virtual reality goggles. The girl looked scared, and the father, with all the good intentions, was trying to help her.

- “It’s nothing, remember Amanda did it, and she loved it!”

- “Amanda was very scared and she didn’t like it” — the little girl replied.

In his attempt to raise her self-esteem, the father replied:

- “Ah, but Amanda has always been a coward! She’s very fearful, you know that! She’s afraid of everything. Not you, you’re a brave girl, you’re not like her.”

I’m sure that in another time, this conversation wouldn’t have struck me as odd at all and in fact I would have even found adorable this the father’s attempt to help her overcome her fear. But however, listening to it that day, I interpreted it very differently. Looking at it from this little girl’s point of view, what was her brain registering?

If I feel fear, I am a coward, and it is a negative thing. I should block that emotion, I shouldn’t feel this emotion, it’s not right.

What would be the best way to approach this situation?

Show her that it is okay to be afraid of something new and unknown, it is a protection of our body against danger, but it does not mean that indeed all the things that make us feel afraid, are dangerous. Simply our brain will always make us stay in our comfort zone, because it is a safe zone, and that stops us from evolving and progressing. Feeling fear is not bad, but we should not let it paralyze us.
I know it is somewhat difficult to put this into practice, and sometimes these are details that we find difficult to take into account precisely because of the way we learned to raise our children from our parents, and these in turn from our grandparents. Words carry a lot of weight, more than we think about the development of children.

The emotional ignorance with which we were raised by our parents and the adults we interacted with as children is directly related to many of our childhood wounds. It is true that it makes no sense to blame them, or feel resentment towards them, that resentment is something that will only affect you, but in certain cases, as in cases of narcissistic parents, it is necessary to keep distance, because yes, even if they are family members, there are toxic people. And we should not keep unconditional loyalty just for this reason. It has been proven that relating to toxic people, whether they are family, friends, bosses… have both a physical and psychological impact. When you understand what is happening to you, it is much easier to deal with it, and for that it is sometimes necessary to distance yourself. Marian Rojas, in her book “How to make good things happen to you” clearly explains the impact that constant contact with toxic people generates in our body, such as high cortisol levels and the negative repercussions this has on our body.

How To Deal With Toxic People — YouTube

The most important thing is to heal. Heal those patterns, those wounds and progress. For you, and for the future generations you want to bring into the world. Knowing how to keep your distance from toxic family members is one of the greatest acts of self-love you can do for yourself, and not feel guilty about it.

No one is perfect, and we will continue to grow and learn throughout our lives. But think about one thing; it has much more value for your child and for their future, that you spend time healing, working on yourself, so that you provide them with a healthy education, based on love, respect, validation, self-love and you can set the necessary limits, than buying them more toys/games every year for Christmas than the year before.

We are responsible for what we are and also for what we leave in this world.

Let’s build a better world.