It’s said that every spiritual awakening comes with death.
When we educate a child, it is clear to us that the best way to learn is to explore, with its corresponding consequences. If you burn yourself with fire, you know that the fire it hurts you, if you don’t watch where you are going, you can fall. However, when “misfortunes” happen to us in life, when we are presented with a difficult situation, we curse, cry, and automatically fall into the role of misunderstood victim.
When you are used to life putting obstacles in your way and you acquire an average level of self-improvement, you think you can cope with anything. And that’s how I was.
I have always been a brave and positive woman, and I considered myself resolute and resilient, because I was always looking for ways to overcome my difficulties, even without losing my smile. That is why I embarked without thinking about it on the adventure of leaving my life and going to live in another country in order to be with the person I loved. I thought that anything that could happen to me would not be enough to make me lose my essence and my smile. And even less now… I WAS IN LOVE! and my optimism and power had been multiplied by two with the person I loved. But our plan, is not the plan that life, the universe, God or whatever you want to call it, has for you.
Welcome to life learning at the ADVANCED level.
When I moved to another country, I obviously encountered the difficulties that every immigrant encounters; new language, new culture, new customs, prejudices, racism, leaving aside everything you have studied to adapt to what you can get, people who underestimate you, bosses who take advantage of your need to work, accepting that they do not comply with your labor rights, etc.
I have always been an independent woman, and that’s why I swallowed everything that came my way because of my pride of not being a kept woman. It was clear to me that I could achieve anything I set my mind to, especially if I had such a great reason as the one I had, to build a life with the person I loved, and that gave me strength. However, that was precisely what destroyed me.
Automatically, and without realizing it, my only dose of happiness was my partner. All I had around me was a job I hated, no promise of a guaranteed future, friends who become energy vampires… And this starts to isolate me. I start to forget who I was, what I liked to do, what made me feel alive, and I put myself in “survival” mode.
When you make your partner your primary source of happiness, you turn love into dependence. That strong, independent woman, created an emotional attachment, a need to get something positive to go on for. No relationship that is built on emotional dependency can work.
I was aware that something in me was not right, because I could not recognize myself in photos or videos of times past, and I knew that the anxiety that caused me certain lack of attention from my partner, would not happen to me in the past.
When you start in a relationship, there is something called “affective responsibility”. In this case, to this emotional responsibility is added the difficulty of emigrating, all of the above mentioned. This, badly managed, can generate a burden that will be carried throughout the relationship. If the person for whom you are leaving your life is not at that point, is not prepared to accept this responsibility, there will come a time when this weight will make one of you fall.
In my case, it all came together. I drowned in depression. Life told me; “now it’s your turn to swim without a float”. The loss of my grandfather, the absence of my partner from the country for 3 months, just at that time, to make his dream of touring Latin America by bike, the weight of that job that made me unhappy, the loneliness and betrayal of my best friend and biggest support in the country, made me end up losing myself.
My relationship came to an end. I felt I no longer had the strength to keep rowing and I let him go. I gave up. I left him loving him very much, but I knew we were not loving each other well. A part of me told me that he was no longer in love, but the worst part was that I myself understood that he wasn’t, because I felt guilty for being so down.
So, I reached the point of personal devaluation, with my self-esteem on the floor. My reason for continuing to “survive” disappeared, and that’s where the awakening process began.
I changed my eating habits, started doing sports, took time for myself, started studying what made me happy, soaked up videos, books, continued my therapy, took my time to meditate and change my perspective on life and stepped out of my comfort zone. Shortly after I was fired from that job that I hated and made me unhappy due to covid, and I realized that I was no longer the same. I did not take this event as something negative, but on the contrary, something that life had given me, since I did not dare to pull that bad weed out of my life and that was the final change I needed to realize that I was no longer facing life from a role of victim, but of acceptance and growth.
I lost loved ones, friends, a partner and a stable job. I witnessed loneliness in the front row, but the only thing I feel today is gratitude and pride in myself.
Some time later, and after this internal change, I contacted my exboyfriend again. After an intense conversation about what we had lived through and the changes we both said we had experienced, I decided to call him to chat with him and find out where we were at, since we both loved each other at the end of the relationship, and if it was true what I had felt in that last conversation a month ago, that connection I felt in the looks, maybe not only I was still feeling something inside, but he was too. I called him with the intention that, if I was right, we could resume contact in a relaxed way, meet up little by little, resume the fun and see what happened. However, I was met with a very negative reaction, resentment and defensiveness. Between words of frustration, he told me that he had a girlfriend, and that he had started with her only a month and a half after we broke up. I’m not going to deny it, something inside me broke into a thousand pieces at that moment, but I had no need to reproach him for anything, to question him, to ask him for explanations if he already talked to her during the relationship, I just accepted it and wished him all the happiness in the world.
I walked away. I took distance and lost contact. But every time I think of him, every time I remember him, I send him light and love. I don’t feel resentment, I don’t feel anger, I don’t feel jealousy. I did everything I could do and thanks to him, I grew.
After an intense guide on narcissism, psychopathies, the importance of setting limits, especially if you are a person with high empathy, not to waste time cursing what happens to you, but to take control of your life and find a solution, I can say today that I am a different person.
Since I changed this frequency, people began to come into my life with a different frequency, I began to attract to my life empathic, good, deep, emotional people, who contribute to me, to whom I contribute, and suddenly I could distinguish more easily and quickly those energy parasites that come to feed on my kindness and empathy.
The projects came, and the worry and anxiety disappeared.
Investing in yourself is the best investment you can make. The world is changing at a gigantic pace. This pandemic has not only affected us on a physiological level, but also on a psychological level. Let’s normalize going to a professional, psychologist, therapist, coach…
I don’t have my life figured out. After this battle, it does not mean that everything will be downhill and easy, but the attitude with which we take life, changes a lot the perspective of things.
My experience has helped friends and other people to overcome situations and that is the greatest satisfaction I can feel. That is why I decided to expose it in a public way, hoping that it will encourage anyone who finds themselves in a difficult moment, to seek outside help and change their vibration.
